I've been in denial. With all of me I dreaded trusting the wrenching in my stomach, what deep down I knew: this isn't it, RMI is not where he wants us. I've pushed and tried to ignore it, but I knew I no longer could.
Fear, frustration. Honesty.
This voice had grown louder over time, this brought up a hard realization, as John and I talked he revealed that he had been feeling the same way for a while, even longer than I.
More frustration. Then relief, hope.
We talked about what had been stirring in our hearts: U.S waiting children. For John, this has been more his heart from the beginning, really since before the beginning. For me, I said yes, but not yet. I'm not ready. Well, with patience, persistence, and tenderness my Father has stirred, confronted, and molded my heart...toward these kiddos. All the books, all the training, classes and assessments have overwhelmed my heart with stubborn love for these kids, and a deep longing to be their all-in mother and best advocate. In an always, forever, no matter what kind of way.
I can't think long enough or hard enough to figure this all out. In my relaxed state my brain still tries to figure out if we missed something, but as I look back I know that's a lie. This is where he has us, he's taught, stretched and grown us so much and that was not his plan B, that was his plan A. What's he's going to do next, what's on the other side of this? I surely don't know. All I know is that our God writes great stories, and don't all of the best stories have twists, turns, and unexpected endings? Why yes, yes they do.
I'll end with a lesson learned.
This is not something I get to choose, or control. This is not in the slightest about me. This is not about John. This is not about us and what we want. This is not about trying harder.
This is about learning how to listen, follow, love, trust, and not hold back. This is about learning to let go, and fully be where he has us.
We are here, myself at least weary from fighting to make things move, and finally surrendering what I have left and offering it to our King. He is so gentle with me when I need it most, filling my aching body with fresh water, my heart with assurance of hope of what is to come.
My posts will be more frequent, and questions well be answered as we get them. We appreciate you all, and ask for your prayers, mostly that we would continue to be united in the mission to keep our focus on Christ.