John and I are excited to share with you our adoption journey, and our life along the way. I will try to be as open and honest as God leads me to be in this blog, however out of my comfort zone it is, for this is actually His story that we get to be apart of. We are so very thankful for all of what God is teaching us through this, for his continued guidance and faithfulness to us, as well as the support of our family and friends.
Yes, it has been 2.5
months since I've posted last. This is not however for lack of God moving,
teaching and growing us. So many times I've wanted to write, but my thoughts
have been incomplete so I simply wrote a piece and saved it for later. Ok, so
sometimes it was just incomplete, but sometimes it was just
too raw, and my pride wouldn't let me post it and I told myself it wasn't polished
enough. Seriously...prides covers itself in all sorts of ways! My thoughts
still are incomplete today as I sit here, but trust that it's ok, they don't
need to be. This is, after all, is what God has continually and consistently
asking me to do with this blog; 'be honest, be real, be unashamed, this is not
just about you Jackie'. So, I think it's important that I lay my pride aside,
be obedient and share the unpublished mini posts I had started in the last
couple months. So here they are, pride aside. Deep breath...the second one is
funny how I see in myself at times when I've seen God change me I end up
thinking I had a ton to do with it. That where I'm at now had hugely to do with
me..I love that God has shown me different. As I sit doing my bible study, I'm
struck by these words: "..the closer Christ's presence comes to us, the
more humble a discerning person becomes." - Beth Moore. This, I find is
one of the many things my Father has been teaching me over the last couple
years: HE is the builder, not me. His work in me is His doing, not mine!
"As you come to him, the living
Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him— 5 you
also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to
be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God
through Jesus Christ."
1 Peter 2:4-5
Sometimes I have no idea,
right now I have no idea. Why am I here, what is next, how should I feel? Does
what I feel change anything? Does it mean anything? How do I move forward, what
does it look like, and where is forward? Is it behind me, in front, or to the
side of me? And how will I know?
Oppression, is that what this
is? I hate it, much more than the pain searing and threatening to numb me, I
hate the confusion. I feel lost in what is, what will be and what I even long
for, or if it's right?
I feel pressure, weight and burden. Deep and throughout.
Frustration and anger. Longing and un-surety of what I long for...do I even
know anymore? I don't know. Confusion and weariness, emptiness.
This is not where God will
leave me, but when oh Lord, when will you come? I know you are here. You offer
sweet reassurance, yet no rescue, no not yet. I wait. I yearn, I hunger, I feel
hindrance. My cup is dry and cracking. Others are full and vibrant, I glare
with hot tears, waiting.
I feel Huge pregnant, my
emotions huge and messy, my back, my body ever tired and aching. I long for
this baby to come, for this weight to leave my body. I dream of the lightness,
the freedom, is it just a dream? No, not so. Maybe though.
The momma's who are beginning:
glowing, expectant, excited, seamingly beautifully unhindered by the weight
that will come, the heart that will grow and bleed as it tears to grow larger,
size change unknown. Leaning back here, 24 months along and counting...I wonder
when the delivery will be. Will it happen, or will baby be surgically extracted
again as others glowingly come home children in tow to add to their many.
Patience, gone. When and how
will more come? My journey is not the same. These women are not mothers-to-be.
They Are mothers; everyday, real, actual, factual mothers. Do not tell me that
I am already, do not say I am to many. Come to the stillness of my home at
evening, throughout the day and in the wee hours of the morning, and tell me I
am a mother then. You can't, and I hope you won't try. So do not lump me
together with already-mothers adopting more children, unless of course your aim
is pain and refusal to see the difference. I am here, my knees ache, my head
throbs, my heart breaking, fear rising, torment in progress.
This is now, not what will be.
Do not force me up, do not load more weight of expectation of attitude on me
now. I am already buckling, help me or leave me to my Father. His rescue will
come, whether miscarriage or delivery room, his rescue will come as surely as
He lives and reigns. He will come find me, right where I am and as I am.
I am here to tell you that His rescue is sweet, it is miraculous
and complete. I'll be honest, as my Father has asked me to be. John and I
were at a standstill in our adoption it seemed, documents that were supposed to
have taken a couple weeks still weren't there at a couple months. My dreams of
us traveling this spring/summer were crushed, we would be lucky to have our
Dossier sent by then and the average wait time after that we learned is
currently 9 months (putting travel to be expected more like January). Fear
started to creep in, my self-protection mode came with it, and best yet I
didn't want to talk about it. Around that time, we heard the news of many
friends in our church who were all beginning the adoption process. I was struck
with fear where excitement, trust, and joy should have been. Satan knows me all
too well, all the chinks in my armor...let me mention that my Father does also
and more so, but for the moment I want to explain how Satan worked. Satan knew
that I was pregnant with many women, that I was the only one who lost their
child, and the additional heartbreak and sting that brought. Satan has watched
as God made beauty from the ashes of that and I know it angered him so. He has
seen how because of the awesome and tender work my Father has done, I can now
whole-heartedly embrace and praise God for new life beginning when I hear of a
pregnancy, unplanned or planned. My trust is securely in Him for that new life,
and my heart is for that child. God has given me a heart to help, a heart to be
joyous with them, and a deep excitement and respect for that new precious life!
If it's a pregnancy for an unequipped mother, my heart is now better able to go
out for the two of them, and my prayers do too, unhindered. That is His works in
me, His patience with me is crazy deep and persistent, let me tell you!! But
back to that first week or so of adoption news: I was struggling, badly. I
looked to my Father saying, 'please don't make me learn how to be joyful about
adoption through loss as I did with pregnancy', 'please, I do Not want
to learn anymore right now, my heart hurts too bad', and 'If you want me to be
a resource or put on a happy face for them I am going to snap, I am not able to
right now, don't you see?!', my heels were fully dug in. What a human response.
I think back on it now and I'm disappointed in myself for having those
thoughts, those emotions, for letting Satan have even an inch of ground. But at
the very same time, if I didn't struggle there, I wouldn't have learned this
type of emotional rescue and this testimony wouldn't be as sweet. I couldn't
tell you how I not only couldn't believe God could walk me across that bridge
to trust him, and how I straight up didn't want to go and was angry He was
asking me to. Well, He took his crossed armed, stern faced kiddo and carried
her across anyways, and I'm so glad he did!! I know I can trust him, with my
deepest hurts, and my deepest longings, even when they are one and them same. I
know I can freely rejoice, and live with joy, no matter what comes. He cares
enough to teach us how to trust him, what great papa we have. I know more how
much I need my Father, crazy I know that he loves me and my deep
thinking-emotional self just as I am. I don't have to come to
him refined or healed, He is the refiner and healer. He
can see me before I was born, as I am now, and who I will be in glory with
him...all at the same time, and He speaks to me patiently my identity in
Him again and again. He teaches me that I can trust him, not with my
breath held anticipating pain and knowing it will be worth it if I endure, but
taking sure breathes, awaiting as a child would the good gifts their Father has
for them. He is teaching me more why He created me the way he did, and how
I'm made to bring Him glory in spite of and because of it at different times.
How many more ways do I have to praise him now? More and more and more all the
time. How awesome is our God? How faithful, even when we doubt him time and
time again. My paster often says.."There is nothing I can do to make him
love me anymore and nothing I can do to make him love me any less." What
deep truth and freedom there is in that.
A few things God did for me besides working on my
He gave me a free 14 pound puppy to love on and nurture...for
free. Buddy, as John has now named him, is a 7 month old Boston terrier/rat
terrier mix. Him and Sadie are BFF's and this pup loves to snuggle and be by
his human momma. Our two dogs, Sadie & Buddy are such awesome blessings! I
am a dog person through and through, but for real...these pups are the best.
They bring so much joy and fun to our lives everyday, they remind me to relax
and have fun, and they allow me to love on and nurture them.
He has also so increased John and I's desire to learn as much as
we can about child development, and how to best love and nurture adoptive
children. I'm becoming a nerd, but that's fine with me! I love it, it
has continually opened my eyes to children around me, and allowed me to
form such special relationships with them, I can honestly say I love kids in
general more than I ever thought possible. I have a deeper understanding of my
childhood, the consequences of different things and how they have affected me
into my adult life. I understand now how important it is for me to
understand and heal from my past so I can model to our children how to face,
process, and forgive their deep hurts and learn to trust again. This spurs my compassion
on toward not just children, but also adults and what they may have missed out
on as young people. After all, don't we all have moments we feel like little
kids again? How much more compassion do I have for even my husband when I
imagine him as a little boy inside, hurt by my disrespect or impatience? Much
more. If you have never heard of Empowered to Connect, google it. It's
such an amazing resource no matter how old you are or if you have adopted
kiddos or not! John and I went to a local simulcast conference last weekend and
the very next day registered for the Conference in Minneapolis!!
Anyways, I will end this post now because, man, no matter how
hard I try I'm long winded!!! I will end with my favorite psalm as of
late, one that has filled me with joy and hope for what is to come!
PSALM 34: Taste and See That
the Lord Is Good
Of David, when he changed
his behavior before Abimelech, so that he drove him out, and he went away.
"I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes it's boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!
I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see
Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is
near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers
him out of them all.
He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be
The Lord redeems
the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will