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Sunday, February 1, 2015

Love is Patient

So I don't know about you but music speaks to me. At times I feel it reaches my marrow and I feel my Saviors presence at my very core, it lingers and flows through me there. I love that, I love that God created me that way. It's not that I'm particularly musical, but rather it's a language God chooses to speak to me through. As John and I played with the worship team I felt the words sink in, settling with such deep conviction I almost stopped playing just to listen. (I have the song written below) This adoption has been an interesting and refining journey as I've mentioned, one that I find myself desperately trying to force ahead. Flash back to my childhood for a moment with me. There wasn't anything I wouldn't carry, for instance: grocery shopping. It didn't matter how heavy the bags, how many there were, one trip was the only acceptable option. I would pile on a row of grocery bags onto my arms until there literally wasn't room for more, then I'd grab a milk jug or two. I'd come ramming into the house, slide/slam the bags down and practically crawl over my pile of goods, not graceful I know. As I grew up this stayed the same, whether I carried wood to the fire, hose at work, drug leaves across the yard...less trips were always better than one. I'm still like this, some things you don't outgrow. Some call this determination, grit. Sometimes maybe it is, but other times it's simply stubbornness, the vain kind. If you don't know me that well, I generally have two speeds when working: Fast or not moving. Oh...and I want to choose my speed. So, that brings us back to adoption, and on a larger scale...life. We have been waiting for our hardcopy homestudy for over two months now, so to say the least I've been frustrated that I can't choose the 'Fast" pace and had to settle for the temporarily not moving pace instead. How many times have I learned that I don't get to choose the pace or direction, that I'm not actually the captain of this ship? Honestly you don't want to know, in my short 27 years it just may surpass some of my elders by a long shot. You see I think I have such 'great ideas', such 'perfect timelines'. The fact is though, I don't, God does. I'm humbled all the time by him, brought back to my knees in surrender and he is ever so patient with me as he waits for this. He waits as I sit re-arranging our paperwork for the 100th time, driving myself crazy thinking and venting to John about how 'logically' XY and Z should have been done months ago and on and on I go. He waits, probably tender laughs escaping him at times seeing my stubbornness. He waits until I stop fighting him, stop pretending that I can build our house, that my effort will stand next to his plan. When I look, when I read and pray, when I sing and ponder the words, mentally finding the scriptures for them in my heart and head, I remember again who He is. Who I am. That alone stopped me in my tracks again as I listened and played this song, seeing myself compared to his greatness. I am no longer who I once was, all because of him. I am who He says I am, predestined for adoption as his daughter, and his promises for me stretch out before me, my great inheritance: seemingly unending in their number and grandeur. That is not the only reason I love him though, it is who He IS that's greater still. Even if He did not save me, my praises he would still deserve. He is unchanging, I am constantly changing it seams. My weeks of frustration and angst to force this adoption forward nag at me, my heart for motherhood echo through me, my questions of what else I can prepare for, look on craigslist for, look forward to...tempt to distract and swallow me. Oh but how he reminds me that this adoption will come to pass, He has blessed me greatly with such a peace that it will. More than that though, through song today he lovingly brings me for a moment higher, seeing again in my minds eye that there is so much more than this, such a bigger picture. His purposes are greater, VASTLY LARGER, zoomed in intricately put together, and all will be done according to His Perfect will, in his perfect time. This tapestry he is weaving is beautiful. He begins with wretched rags, he tenderly cleanses, restores, redeems, refines, and works, one to another in such meticulous perfection you could scarcely take your eyes off if you watched. How can I stop him and say, 'that doesn't go there', or 'that's not how I want to be weaved into that' or 'why won't you do it this way?' or 'that's much the wrong color for that part of my strand'. I can't, his Spirit in me resolves that I don't want to. It's true, I don't. I want what he wants, and when I don't I long for him to change me, create in me a heart that loves what he loves the way he loves it. This does not mean I do not pray and make petition before him, by all means I do, relentlessly it seams, lifting up friends, family, strangers. But as he refines me, as he loves me and I accept his love, I learn to trust him more. I learn to trust that if what I earnestly ask in his name for, weep before him for, I trust as sure as He sits at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us, He will not grant what is not good for us, and glorifying to him. I trust He is our Savior, even from ourselves. So often we don't understand, or 
get to see why it is good..although with all certainty I know one day we will. I trust whatever comes, he will not let myself or my brothers and sisters go under, but through the waves, and when we reach the other side we will know him more, and as we step out of the water we will look more like him. In the meantime, as so much of life is...in the meantime...through him I must choose to see the day...see the beauty of the tapestry I'm able to see thus far. How he has knit people together in friendship, sharing all the joy of seeing his hand move around us. Thanking him for the time he's given us and the blessing of his presence and desire to walk with us...even run with us at times...him choosing the speed. I sit tonight resting in his provision for us, his steadfast kindness and promise to never leave nor forsake us. Smiling now as I think of the man he set me beside..one that teaches me how to be patient and not throw a fit...and helps me back on my feet when I have one anyways. My Father is so good to me, his grace amazes me and his ability to use me does too. 

I want to end this little post with an encouragement. I am not particularly talented or outspoken, I have a checkered past, but I am by God's grace redeemed, and made to share the gifts he's given me and shine for him...and so are you. So I encourage you to speak. To use discretion but not your own, to instead be bold when listening to the Holy Spirit. Share, speak life, real life, to those you meet and are feel called to. If you are saved by Jesus, your debt is paid, you are a new creation. You can stand courageous and beautiful in the ashes of who you were, remembering the cost, and speak hope to those still lost, discouraged, or broken. I have been so encouraged to hear others, some who I hardly know, or are my elders, say that this blog has blessed them or spoken something they needed to hear, what a testimony to what God can do with one small act of faithfulness, one life. Think back for a minute on the people God chose to use...Abram, Jacob, Rahab, David, Paul, Mary, and the list goes on. Some with scandalous pasts, deceitful, murderous, even those like Mary that probably felt like they had no testimony. What a reminder that God is sovereign to equip and use whoever he chooses. He has given each of us a specific voice, a specific thread in his tapestry, let us shine and be bold for our King goes before us. 

Should nothing of our efforts stand 
No legacy survive 
Unless the Lord does raise the house 
In vain its builders strive 

To you who boast tomorrow’s gain 
Tell me what is your life 
A mist that vanishes at dawn 
All glory be to Christ! 

All glory be to Christ our king! 
All glory be to Christ! 
His rule and reign we'll ever sing, 
All glory be to Christ! 

His will be done 
His kingdom come 
On earth as is above 
Who is Himself our daily bread 
Praise Him the Lord of love 

Let living water satisfy 
The thirsty without price 
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet 
All glory be to Christ! 

All glory be to Christ our king! 
All glory be to Christ! 
His rule and reign we'll ever sing, 
All glory be to Christ! 

When on the day the great I Am 
The faithful and the true 
The Lamb who was for sinners slain 
Is making all things new. 

Behold our God shall live with us 
And be our steadfast light 
And we shall ere his people be 
All glory be to Christ! 

All glory be to Christ our king! 
All glory be to Christ! 
His rule and reign we'll ever sing, 
All glory be to Christ!

-Words by Dustin Kensrue


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