Monday, September 8, 2014

Hope, the assurance of things to come..

We have updates: As of last month we have been assigned a social worker! August 26th was our 1st of 5 home visits with her in St. Paul. We went into this meeting nervous, but excited and so ready to get things moving, as was expected. The meeting lasted about 4 hours, beginning with another intro to the international programs, followed by John's bio (birth through today) and ended with half of mine, we didn't have enough time to finish that portion. Lastly we were told that due to the sexual abuse in my history, John and I have to sit down with a psychologist for them to assess our marriage before our second visit. Also, by I believe the 3rd visit I have to have gone through a 2 hour psych eval due to my use of Zoloft. On the car ride home I lost it a bit, ok a lot. It was one of those moments when I remembered, that although I am free in Christ, saved and redeemed; my past follows me, that when parts of my life are written on paper, the outside world will see first the yuck, not the redemption. They will see the facts, and not where Christ has brought me to today, nor the hope of where I will be in the future. They are free to assume it's unresolved, that your broken, even though your not. They are free to color your story with whatever shades they think it deserves. Their red tape pulled out. Not that our social worker is doing anything wrong mind you, just what she's supposed to do, and besides, she still doesn't know us so I hold nothing against her. As we drove home I poured out to John how for me it's just difficult, awkward, and frustrating even, to be forced to put words and sufficient explanation to whats happened, to what was out of my control, to a complete stranger in hopes of them understanding your story. To just right then and there, speak your story. Not in your own time, choosing different pieces to share, as the spirit leads. No, just all of it in as few words as possible. I look at my life, my story, as my personal testimony to my Father's ability to love, rescue, redeem and restore a life. One that now I share with John. I love pieces of my story that I used to hate, because of His work in me, and because at it's core it speaks of Him. It has taken me a while to feel peace about this part of the adoption process, but I know now that my trust needs to not only be in Christ, but be Christ.

"Blessed is the man trusts in the LORD,
whose trust is the Lord.  
He is like a tree planted by water, 
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."
Jeremiah 17:7-8

So as this process continues, and all of what I am and have been are laid bare, I will remember that Christ died for my shame as well, not just my sin. My hope will remain in Him, and be Him, for his ways are right, and they are best. I will push my roots deeper still, not fearing the draught, hoping and trusting in him and bearing much fruit.  

After all, I want my children and their children to say this of me for the glory of God:

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." 
Proverbs 31:25

I want them to know that they may have hope, and joy without fear or reservation, that they can appreciate whatever they are given, pushing their roots deeper into Christ's living water, drink, and be satisfied come what may.

So as we wait for our psychology appointment scheduled for November 11th, the earliest date we could get in the Duluth area, I ask you to please pray that our social worker will allow us to continue with our visits in the mean time. The idea of waiting until mid November to meet for our 2nd of 5 visits feels daunting and unnecessary. Although regardless, we are both excited to continue this process, and the hope of what is to come is worth all the agony of the wait.
Thank you all again for your support, John and I appreciate you all very much!