Thursday, March 10, 2016
It's not about me. How many times do we need that reminder? This is still God's story, and I get to be apart of it, I get to be apart of what he's doing meanwhile being molded into who I am to become. I yielded, John and I booked our tickets, we would choose to follow: all in. Then the craziest thing happened...
I was late. I didn't think much of it, except one morning I woke up and had a feeling that I had to take a test and get it over with. I grabbed the last pregnancy test in my stash, used it and set it on the counter while I got ready for the day. After so many negatives, and being so focused on adoption, I had became a little numb. I still felt numb when the second line came through. I decided that the test was old and went to the store to get some new 'accurate' ones. The answer was the same, positive. I was pregnant. I was in so much shock, I didn't know what to believe. I chose to believe God had finally said 'yes', and blessed us with this life! As I began to let it sink in, all the way home, and for the weeks and months to come it has continued to bring me to my knees before my Father, how amazing and gracious is he??!!
As we continued our travel plans, God was so faithful and affirming in the call for us to go. I knew there might be people that disagreed with out decision to still go while I was pregnant, but I continued to hear confirmation from him. He is my protector and sustainer, verses about his character and nature kept flooding my brain, he would be with us and this child, there was no need to fear or doubt.
We were taken care of, even when John left with Dave and Juli and I remained for 3 more weeks I felt his provision, guidance and protection. Although we were there for one main reason, we were also there for more that we didn't expect, many too of which we still don't know I'm sure. During that time we got to help get the sewing program going and get more machines installed at the center. We also got to know a young man named Paul who wants to become an electrical engineer and was studying for his national exams while John was there...John is an Electrical Engineer. During that time John was not only able to help him study, but we also got to witness him coming to Christ and be there for his baptism! We consider Paul our brother and very much hope to bring him to the US to live with us while he goes to Engineering school. We got to dream about building houses for faithful men in Sierra Leone to bless them, their families, and neighborhoods. We got to see that dream move into an actual plan and witness God move in hearts back home to provide the money for the first home, and be there to deliver the news to the family! We got to spend quality time with the two boys we sponsor, which we are now pursuing to adopt God willing! So much happened, we were beyond blessed by the people yet again and the ability to be apart of something so much greater than us.
We have finished our, yes third, homestudy and plan to pursue the adoption of these two boys who will remain nameless and ageless for the time being due to needed privacy and legality reasons. I can tell you that we are beyond excited, but know it will most likely be a very difficult and potentially long process with no real estimated timeframe. I am fairly certain that even a year ago I would never have said yes to this: too risky, to unsure, to much potential for heartache on all sides. I love that God changed my heart, we are yet again, all in. Why? Because God is faithful, trustworthy, and these boys are worth it!!
So as I sit typing this 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant with this very active boy inside me, I'm at peace. It seems God continues to teach us in the wait, but as I look back I have no doubt this was the best plan. I wouldn't change a thing, not because it was painless...it definitely hasn't been, but because is has been purposeful and we are not the same as we were. We are united, and we are His. What comes next I have no idea, but I know it will be good, even if at that time we can't see it. We trust him more than we ever have and do you know what comes with that? FREEDOM! Freedom to dream, to jump, to live, not holding on to the railing with fear, but with arms wide open to the life that he has given us. He is not meant to be just apart of our lives, He is to BE our lives. With many lessons, blessings, and yes, trials ahead we press on in eager expectation of all that he has for us to walk. Glory and honor and praise be to him forever and ever!!
Thursday, June 18, 2015
I've been in denial. With all of me I dreaded trusting the wrenching in my stomach, what deep down I knew: this isn't it, RMI is not where he wants us. I've pushed and tried to ignore it, but I knew I no longer could.
Fear, frustration. Honesty.
This voice had grown louder over time, this brought up a hard realization, as John and I talked he revealed that he had been feeling the same way for a while, even longer than I.
More frustration. Then relief, hope.
We talked about what had been stirring in our hearts: U.S waiting children. For John, this has been more his heart from the beginning, really since before the beginning. For me, I said yes, but not yet. I'm not ready. Well, with patience, persistence, and tenderness my Father has stirred, confronted, and molded my heart...toward these kiddos. All the books, all the training, classes and assessments have overwhelmed my heart with stubborn love for these kids, and a deep longing to be their all-in mother and best advocate. In an always, forever, no matter what kind of way.
I can't think long enough or hard enough to figure this all out. In my relaxed state my brain still tries to figure out if we missed something, but as I look back I know that's a lie. This is where he has us, he's taught, stretched and grown us so much and that was not his plan B, that was his plan A. What's he's going to do next, what's on the other side of this? I surely don't know. All I know is that our God writes great stories, and don't all of the best stories have twists, turns, and unexpected endings? Why yes, yes they do.
I'll end with a lesson learned.
This is not something I get to choose, or control. This is not in the slightest about me. This is not about John. This is not about us and what we want. This is not about trying harder.
This is about learning how to listen, follow, love, trust, and not hold back. This is about learning to let go, and fully be where he has us.
We are here, myself at least weary from fighting to make things move, and finally surrendering what I have left and offering it to our King. He is so gentle with me when I need it most, filling my aching body with fresh water, my heart with assurance of hope of what is to come.
My posts will be more frequent, and questions well be answered as we get them. We appreciate you all, and ask for your prayers, mostly that we would continue to be united in the mission to keep our focus on Christ.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Sunday, February 1, 2015
I want to end this little post with an encouragement. I am not particularly talented or outspoken, I have a checkered past, but I am by God's grace redeemed, and made to share the gifts he's given me and shine for him...and so are you. So I encourage you to speak. To use discretion but not your own, to instead be bold when listening to the Holy Spirit. Share, speak life, real life, to those you meet and are feel called to. If you are saved by Jesus, your debt is paid, you are a new creation. You can stand courageous and beautiful in the ashes of who you were, remembering the cost, and speak hope to those still lost, discouraged, or broken. I have been so encouraged to hear others, some who I hardly know, or are my elders, say that this blog has blessed them or spoken something they needed to hear, what a testimony to what God can do with one small act of faithfulness, one life. Think back for a minute on the people God chose to use...Abram, Jacob, Rahab, David, Paul, Mary, and the list goes on. Some with scandalous pasts, deceitful, murderous, even those like Mary that probably felt like they had no testimony. What a reminder that God is sovereign to equip and use whoever he chooses. He has given each of us a specific voice, a specific thread in his tapestry, let us shine and be bold for our King goes before us.